|
Wow, how do I cram
my life onto a web page? I could keep it short I suppose, I was born,
went to school, got a job, but that is kind of short, so, as this is about
me coming to terms with who I am, I'll stick to the relevant bits. Why
have I written this? Because I found it helped me to do so and maybe it
will help others who read it.
First feelings:-
My first feelings towards other males, as best as I can remember, must
have been when I was aged about 12 or 13. I knew what my attraction to
other guys meant, that I may be gay, but I didn't want to be gay. In the
80's Aids was headline news, it was the 'gay disease', if you were gay,
you were going to catch it and die, at least that is what the media portrayed.
And anyway, the only gay people I was aware of were on TV, camp and mincing
or transvestites and I wasn't like that, so how could I be gay?
I also didn't want
to give the bullies who made my life a misery at school any further ammunition
to torment me. I wont go into the details of the bullying, suffice it
to say it was bad and really knocked any confidence out of me. So there
I was, confused, unsure of myself, with little self confidence and
desperately
wanting to 'fit in'. The last thing I wanted was to be different and being
gay was so very different. So began the start of my denial.
Crush:- When
I was 17 I had a crush on another boy, I will spare any blushes by not
naming him here, but I experienced very intense feelings of desire towards
him, I used to fantasize about him all the time, just seeing him would
send my heart racing. I would spend as much time around him as I could,
which was limited to a few hours on a weekend. Yet I still realised this
was just a crush and that teenage boys sometimes have strong feelings
towards other boys, it didn't mean I was gay, did it? I have no idea if
he realised he was the object of my affections.
I still think about
him sometimes and wonder where he is now.
Fear:- Ok Aids
was one fear, but lets face it, 10, 15 years ago gay men did not have
a good press, often portrayed as preying on boys and young men. I didn't
know anyone who was gay who could correct this point of view.
Polytechnic:-
Despite the bullies, who mostly left school at 16, I stayed on to get
3 'A' levels, so I went to Trent Polytechnic (as it was then) and began
a Chemistry degree course. I suppose I could have explored my sexuality
a bit more there, the polytechnic had a gay and lesbian society, but I
still lacked any confidence in myself, I was scared and by this time deep
in denial. I did nothing and left after a year as I found the course was
too hard. So there I was, confused, unsure of myself, with little self
confidence and now a polytechnic dropout without any money or a job.
Work:- I found
a job working for the insurance arm of one of the major banks, it was
supposed to be a stop gap until I found out what I really wanted to do,
I knew I didn't want to be in insurance.
It was here that I
met Sarah. OK, lets face it, my love life was non existent, apart from
a short time in the early years of my work when I went out with a girl
for a short time, but we never had sex. But then Sarah joined the company,
a bright, pretty 16 year old girl. We got to know each other when she
would join a group of us for lunch and then going out on a Friday night.
Eventually one Friday night, when we were both a bit drunk we ended up
kissing and the next week I asked her out.
So began my first
and only relationship with a woman.
Moving on:-
So what happened to my gay feelings? Did they just disappear? Well to
be honest they did. Yes there were times when I would wonder what it was
like to be with a guy, but I was happy with Sarah, we got on well and
we fell in love. To cut a long story short we stayed together and eventually
got married in September 1996.
The trigger:-
So what happened to change everything? Well, in August 1999 my father
passed away from a heart attack, we knew he was in need of an operation
of some kind after he was taken ill earlier that year whilst on holiday
in the US. However we were not expecting him to die whilst out shopping
one day, a week before we were due to go on a family holiday to Cornwall
to watch the total eclipse.
It struck me hard,
I have always been a sensitive person and having already buried a number
of my family over the years this was naturally a very hard time. Grief
is a strange emotion, it can make you have all sorts of strange thoughts.
The loss of a parent can also make you look at your own life, after all
in the normal course of events, once your parents are gone, you're next.
The next 6 months
were probably the hardest as I looked at my life, realised that life is
short, you only get one go at it and I reached the decision that I had
to know one way or the other if I was gay. The only problem was, I couldn't
do that whilst married.
Year 2000:-
They said the year 2000 would be a year of change, little did I realise
on 31st December 1999, as midnight approached, how true that would be.
We were having a few
problems with the marriage. I was getting withdrawn and argumentative
as I struggled with my inner turmoil. Sarah put it down to my grief, little
realising the shocks that would follow. I was spending a lot of time on
the internet, secretly looking at gay websites, finding out that many
people had gone through and experienced many of the same thoughts and
feelings I had. Then, at the end of February came the start of the end.
After a really big row I told Sarah that I felt we should separate for
a bit, I needed to get my head straight, I was unable to decide what to
do with Sarah around all the time. She agreed to a 'temporary separation'
to see if we could sort things out and so she moved in with friends.
It was about his time
I found the gay.com chat rooms and found I could chat online to gay guys
in and around Bristol. Maybe this was what finally decided it for me,
I don't know, but after a few weeks of separation, I came to the final
conclusion I had to find out if I was gay and that I needed to tell Sarah
the truth. Unfortunately this decision came at a bad time, Sarah's grandfather
suffered a major stroke, the prognosis was that he would shortly die.
I felt I had to postpone telling Sarah until after things calmed down,
however this was not to be the case.
Sarah came over one
Friday to pick up some of her stuff, we had another row as she felt she
ought to move back in. She said that there was something I was not telling
her so there and then I decided now was the time. We sat down and I confirmed
there was something she had to know, but I couldn't continue as I broke
down in tears. Sarah asked if I was having an affair, I shook my head.
She asked if I had met someone else, I shook my head. She then asked if
I was gay, I nodded and confirmed what she had suspected for a while.
We must have looked a sight, I was sobbing my heart out, I had just hurt
someone I loved very much and I knew that by my admission, things would
never be the same again, there was no going back. Meanwhile, Sarah was
laughing hysterically. We calmed down and discussed what we were going
to do, but really there was no option, the temporary separation would
become permanent and we would go our separate ways.
Strangely, the next
day we met up again, went shopping together and had the best time we had
had together for a long time. I also felt a such a sense of relief, the
truth was out. I had admitted to someone I was gay. When we got back we
had a phone call to say her grandfather passed away that afternoon, I'm
glad I was there for her.
I must point out here
how supportive Sarah has been, despite the troubles she has experienced
and the hurt she has felt, she has been wonderful, totally selfless and
caring. The fact she has gay friends at work have probably helped her
considerably. She even arranged for a gay friend and his boyfriend to
take me out for my first taste of the gay scene.
Gay.com:- During
this time I had continued to use the chat room in gay.com, at first I
used a false name as I didn't want anyone to realise who I was, but the
help and support I received from other people online was a great help,
it probably kept me sane. I'm pleased to say I have made many friends
online and have met a lot of them socially.
What happened next?:-
Somehow, me and Sarah have remained friends throughout all of this, we
still meet and occasionally see each other socially. She bought a
flat about a mile away from where I live, but then in 2001 moved to
London and rented her flat out. We still chat on the phone occasionally
and send each other text messages
Gary:- My first
gay relationship. We made contact online in May and we met the same day.
Although the relationship was short I will always look back on it with
fondness and, if I am honest, it probably was a defining moment in my
life. One of my greatest fears when coming to terms with my sexuality
was whether I could fall in love with another man. With Gary, I learned
that I could. I also learnt a lot about myself during our time together.
I am thankful we have stayed friends. He has done, still does and always
will mean a lot to me. Thank you Gary.
Coming out:- Probably
the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life was to tell Sarah,
next to that was telling my family. I did this at the end of September
at a family gathering. Maybe this was not the best time, but it was either
then or Christmas as we don't see a lot of each other. I cried again when
I made my announcement and although they were shocked, they did make all
the right noises and were supportive. It remains to be seen what the long
term impact will be.
Tony:- I met Tony in July 2000 and
we were together as boyfriends for 3 years. We had
a great time together and I hope we will continue to do so as friends. He's a great
guy and he helped me so much over that time. If anyone has shaped the
kind of gay guy I am today it's been Tony. I miss having him as a
boyfriend but life goes on and I'm sure the friendship we have will endure
for many more years to come.
2001:- And then what happened?
I used to have a diary on this website, but never kept in going, so
here is a little summary of 2001.
The year started with a party at my house with the friends I had made during the year.
February saw the
launch of this website, it kept me busy doing updates, etc.
In April I went to
Amsterdam with Tony. We had a very enjoyable long weekend and I would love to
go back, maybe with a group of people next time.
In June I went to my
first Mardi Gras in London, wow, what a day, never expected to see so many
gay guys in one place, but then we followed that up by going to Manchester
GayFest in August to support a friend in the Mr Gay UK finals.
In between all that
I continued to make new friends, my relationship with Tony grew stronger. I am
enjoyed life and the emotional ups and
downs of 2000 levelled off.
2002:- This was very much a year of
settling down and really coming to terms with who I am and being happy
with that.
Tony and I stayed together and we went to
Amsterdam for my birthday and in the same month saw Kylie in concert in
Cardiff. Later in the year I went on holiday with Tony to Spain. We
visited Barcelona and Sitges, where we sat on a beach with thousands of
other people and watched an amazing firework display.
I made many friends both online and off and
continued to enjoy life.
The end of the year was marked by a party at
my house, now an established annual event.
The future:-
Who knows? I don't. 2003 has not been a good year so far, what with being
made redundant, difficulty in finding a new job and me and Tony splitting
up in July. Emotionally it has been pretty much of a downer and at times
I've felt very low. I just hope that during the remainder of the year
things will improve.
Having said that, at least I am comfortable with who I am and with my sexuality. I
have made a number of great friends who I feel an affection for I have
never felt with straight friends. Maybe it's a 'gay thing', I don't know.
When I am with my friends there is also a sense of belonging that I have
never felt before, I just feel so comfortable around them. They have
helped me a lot over the past few months and I'm glad they have been there
for me.
Sometimes I do feel maybe I should have
explored my sexuality earlier in life, but I will not allow myself to
regret that. All the decisions I have made in my life, I feel, have been
made for the right reasons at that time.
If you have got this far, congratulations on
not falling asleep and thank you for reading this. I hope you found it
interesting. Maybe you can relate to some of what I have written, maybe
it's totally incomprehensible to you. But which ever way you feel, explore
the rest of my website and, if you like, leave a message in the guestbook.
Take care and best wishes.
Phil.
|