3 Kinds of love? (16th April 2001)

It is often said that there are 3 kinds of love, love for your family, love for your friends and love for your partner. I disagree, I think there is a fourth kind of love. It maybe that whoever originally 'defined' these 3 kinds of love lived long enough ago that divorce and separation was most unusual and therefore the fourth kind was not common.

What am I talking about? I'm talking about love for your ex partner. Now often when a couple split it can be bitter, or that the love they once felt for their partner is no longer there. But sometimes a split happens for other reasons and the couple can remain friends, and it is my opinion that the love you feel for an ex is often stronger than the love for a friend, after all the bond that held the couple together is stronger than friendship.

What has prompted me to think on this subject? My ex wife has moved to London. We remained friends throughout a difficult and traumatic year as this is something we both wanted. Yes we have had our ups and downs, who wouldn't in a situation like this, but we still saw each other and often talked on the phone. I still feel love for her, a love that is more than love for friends. Some sort of bond will always be there and I am going to miss seeing her as often as I have done. I wish her well in her new life.

Friendship. (10th March 2001)

Recently I hurt a friend of mine through a thoughtless action, it's not the first time I have done this to people and whilst I can ask for forgiveness it would have been far better not to have done what I did in the first place. I wont go into details so don't bother asking, what I will say is that I did something that my friend dislikes intensely, it wasn't intentional, I did not set out to hurt my friend, but that was the outcome. This almost cost me a friend and made me think a lot about the value of friendships.

When I was married, friends didn't concern me that much, yes we had friends but if we didn't hear from them for a while or we did all the running around when it came to meeting up that didn't worry me, friends were almost an afterthought, if they were there, ok, if not well, there were always other friends.

That has changed quite dramatically over the past year, the new friendships I have formed mean so much to me, as I have said elsewhere on this website I don't know if it's a gay thing or just a reflection on the way my life has changed, either way I feel stronger bonds of friendship with my friends than I have ever felt before in my life, even when I was a child.

So why is it I can hurt a friend through my actions when I myself have also been hurt many times in the past by many people who I considered to be friends? I'd like to make one thing clear, I would never set out to intentionally hurt anyone, that is just not in my nature, but I don't always think through the consequences of my actions. I like to joke around with people, can sometimes be frivolous and sometimes say things that I think are funny but may be offensive or upsetting to someone else. I'm also very forgiving, if someone upsets me I will readily accept an apology as I'm not usually one to make a fuss, anything for a quiet life.

What I often forget is that not everyone is the same as me, not everyone will shrug the hurt off so easily, not everyone will be so forgiving. That is not a criticism of others, people react differently to different situations and if I am to criticise, it should be myself for forgetting that. Maybe by writing this down it will help me remember, I certainly hope to take something away from this incident and that is, to be a bit more careful in what I say and do and try and think through the consequences first. But most of all, treat other people the way you would like to be treated yourself.

My friend's trust in me has been damaged, I hope it can be repaired.